How many times in the last week, month or year have you said "Yes" to something, whether it's personal with a friend or professional with a colleague, when what you really want to say is "No?" And then you look at your over-committed life where you're going from morning 'till night for everyone else BUT you and you just want to scream? We've all been there.
We're all in the business of saying "Yes" too often because we don't know how to say "no" without feeling guilty that we're letting the friend or colleague down, or that they'll think we're too self-centered if we don't give in to what they're asking of us. There's a train-load of reasons why we say "Yes," but the biggest one is that we're not practiced enough in being able to decline in a way that we can live with. Here's one quick tip from Dr. Harriet Braiker's book, The Disease To Please
, that I've found very helpful.
How to get time on your side. To begin breaking the "yes-saying" habit, you need to get time on your side so you can think before you jump in with your answer. Here's how you can do that.
First is...
Don't respond right away. To be able to say "no," you need enough time to get your act together relative to the request. You can give yourself time to think with phrases like, "Why don't I call you back in a few minutes after I've checked my calendar?" Or, "Let me get back to you with an answer after I check my calendar." Or, "I think I have something else going on then. I'll check and get back to you later today." Or, "I don't know if I'll have time to (whatever it is they're asking of you). I'll let you know later / tomorrow." You can add a few more to this list. You may need them all at different times.
Next, when you get pressured...
Repeat, empathize, and breathe. Although you might want to give yourself some time, the person making the request might want to know now. When they start putting the pressure on you, if you don't have a few practiced, ready-to-go responses where you can repeat your need for time, you'll find yourself caving in with a "yes." When pressured, repeating your time-buying mantra at least 3 times sends the message. Empathy goes a long way. Make sure to acknowledge their concerns and/or their need to know. Finally, breathe before you respond. It calms you down and gives you that nanosecond you need before you blurt out a "yes" that you wish you hadn't. Here's an example:
Other: "Can you take my place at the group meeting on Thursday?"
You: (Breathe) "Not sure that I can. Let me get back to you with an answer after I've checked my calendar."
Other: "But I need to know now. Can't you just pull up your calendar and check while I'm on the phone? I have to give an answer to by boss right away."
You: (Breathe) "I know you need an answer quickly. I'm in the middle of something right now that I need to take care of. I'll call you back as soon as I'm able and when I've checked my calendar."
Other: "How long will it be? Can you get back to me within the next 15 minutes?"
You: (You'll really need to breathe here!) "This is going to take me a bit longer than that. And as soon as I'm done, you can be sure I'll be back on the phone with you with my availability. You'll be my first priority."
Never sound annoyed. Just breathe, repeat, empathize and in doing so, you can help yourself stay calm.
Finally, always be ready...
What that means is practice till you drop (well, not that extreme). Put together a variety of responses for several types of requests and practice them. Say them out loud to yourself, to a friend, to your spouse. You need to hear yourself say the words. And in practicing with someone else, you can get immediate feedback on how tense or how calm you sound.
(C) 2009 Denise Brouillette, San Francisco, CA. All Rights Reserved.
Denise Brouillette is the president of The Innovative Edge LLC and The Women's Edge in Leading.
