We've got a question comes from Pete in high-tech. For the past 6 months, I've been working on high-profile initiatives with Liz, a peer who takes over every conversation. When she pops into my office and says, "Got 5 minutes," it usually works into 30. The same thing happens with our meetings; she dominates them with information I don't need. What I've tried so far is redirecting her when she gets off track, and that works some of the time. What else can I do to get her to listen to me, give me what I need, and not waste my time as much as she does? She's driving me crazy!! And by the way, she's incredibly smart, has her PhD, and although I see her being sidelined by senior management because of this same behavior she uses with me, she is well thought of by them for her knowledge/brilliance.
Answer: Doesn't sound like Pete has given Liz any feedback so I'll add that to my comments. But before giving feedback, Pete and Liz need to set meeting expectations, get agreement on agenda items, and run a few meetings with the new method. If E then continues to make the meetings all about her, then Pete has something to refer to when giving feedback. See my last note in this response. But first, here's what to do:
1. Set meeting expectations. While Pete sees these meetings as equal information exchange and probably joint decision-making, Liz may have different expectations. They should have a conversation about how they'll use their meeting time and what each needs to get from each meeting. Pete can start their next meeting conversation with, "Now that 6 months have passed and we've gotten going with the work, let's talk about the best way to use our meeting times going forward."
2. Use an agenda. Start each meeting with an advance agenda finalized a day or two before each meeting. If meeting frequently, end each meeting with the agenda for the next.
3. Start using a meeting map (MM). (PREMIUM members, download the Meeting Map tool found under Leading Teams & People) A MM is an agenda with the addition of time lines. Pete and Liz decide together how much time to spend on each agenda item. That way, when it looks like Liz is going off track, Pete can say that, "We've only got 10 minutes left to come to a decision on this, let's get back on track with that." Also, when Liz says, "Give me 5 minutes," as soon as 4 minutes are up, Pete should tell her she's got only another minute. At 5 minutes, Pete needs to take hold of the conversation and move it back on track. If it's important to go beyond the 5 minutes, Pete should bound the time by saying, "Looks like we'll need more than 5 minutes for this. Let's decide when we can meet to talk about this item by itself." Pete has to be consistent. Do this EVERY time. Also, they should set aside a number of minutes (say, 15) per meeting for items that get tagged on at the last minute. They could then spend their last 15 minutes on those items.
4. The 5-minute rule expanded. When Liz stops by P's office (the drive-by) and says, "Got 5 minutes?" Pete should say yes, "I've got only 5 minutes" and then give her only that. If it's important enough to go over the 5 minutes, stick to the drive-by 5, but then add the topic to the agenda for their next meeting. If the meeting is a long way off, set aside a specific time, not then, to discuss it. Remember, Pete is setting boundaries here and he needs to be consistent.
5. Finally, about feedback. If after setting up meeting expectations, an agenda and employing the 5-minute rule, Liz continues to run the show, Pete could then give her feedback, in the moment, about sticking to what they've agreed to. If he's frustrated, say so. But do it calmly. Ask Liz to stick to the agreement.
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