What happens when you take on a new role in a different group within your organization or at a new company, and your new peers don't immediately invite you to be one of them? It's especially challenging when all of your new peers are guys. We've all been there at one time or other, haven't we? Read Emily's real-life situation and what we recommend.

"A VP I've worked with in the past has just hired me on as a marketing director in her new company. Great job, great company, great reporting relationship. The problem is that my 3 peers are guys who've been working together for a couple of years and they're all friends. It's been about a month and I can't seem to break into the boys' network they've got going. They're not holding back on work-related info and they help me out when I need it, but they're not particularly friendly outside of that. I'm feeling a bit left out. How can I get them to begin including me with them at lunch and when they're laughing and joking with each other at work?"  

These types of situaitons can be tricky. First, take gender out of the situation and see what we've got. Here are three people who've been working together for two years. They've likely got a rhythm going and it's working well for them.

 

Emily has a prior working relationship with the VP.  The others could be wondering if Emily is going to get preferential treatment.

 

They're helping her out work-wise, so she's not as much on the outside as she thinks she is. If they weren't including her at all, then there would be more of a basis for her concern.

Advice for Emily: What We Suggest

1. Give them and herself some time. If they're including her in all of the work-related discussions and they're helping her out, then she's already in. She needs to recognize that. 

2. Remain friendly and helpful around work matters. Don't encourage the Pygmalion effect. If she feels on the outside, she might act as though she's on the outside by exclusing herself -- and thereby create a self-fulfilling prophecy.

3. Watch out for defensiveness. Avoid behaviors that send the message, "You're not including me, and I'm not happy!" such as complaining to the boss -- or anyone else in marketing, for that matter -- and being unfriendly or antagonistic.

4. Help break down the formality of work. Invite the three of them to talk about work over coffee or lunch. That way it's work-related, yet there's an informality associated with it. That will give them a chance to know her better, and in time they'll likely see her as one of them. Also, because Emily has invited them rather than having waited for them to invite her, she's taking an active step in making sure she gets included.

There's been a great deal of research done about the behavioral differences in the workplace between men and women. Deborah Tannen's great book, Talking from 9 to 5: Women and Men at Work, is one I highly recommend.

Among the many gems in this book is Tannen's research that indicates that men like to joke around with each other in a razzing kind of way. It could be that as soon as they see that Emily can take some razzing from them, and give it back, she'll be on their “let's have lunch” radar screen.

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(C) 2009 Denise Brouillette, San Francisco, CA. All Rights Reserved.

Denise Brouillette is the president of The Innovative Edge LLC and The Women's Edge in Leading.