How often in a day do you apologize when you likely don't need to? Possibly much more than you think. Apology is the right thing when the situation calls for it, such as if you're late for a meeting when everyone else was there on time, or if you accidentally poke someone with a pencil. But for a number of women, and you could be one of them, “I'm sorry” is overused and inserted into conversations in inappropriate places out of habit. Here are three examples of unnecessary apologies and what you can say instead.

Emily's boss says, “I can't find that report you sent me.”  Emily says, “Oh, I'm sorry. Can I help you find it?”  What is Emily apologizing for? Emily put the report on her manager's desk. He stashed it away somewhere. Now, just when he needs it for this meeting, he can't lay his hands on it. A useful response would be, “I've got a copy right here. We can use mine.”  

Here's another… Sandi is in a meeting with a few people, including her manager, and a peer raises a topic for discussion. When the peer is done Sandi adds her ideas to the mix. Within a few seconds Sandi's peer interrupts with, “Sandi, that's not the direction we should be going with this!”  Sandi comes back with, “Oh, I'm sorry, I thought this would be a good next step.” What is Sandi apologizing for? In this case the apology weakens Sandi and leaves her open to further attack. A more useful response would be for Sandi to ask her peer for clarification: "What makes you say that?”

Finally, Laura brings chocolate chip cookies to the staff meeting and puts them in the middle of the conference table. Jim, who's at the far end, asks Laura to pass them down. Laura says, “Oh, I'm sorry. Sure Jim, here they are.”  It's the I-should-have-thought-of-it apology and makes Laura seem like she's responsible for everything. Not a good message to send. What Laura can say instead is, “Sure Jim,” and just slide the cookies on down his way.

Here's a situation where an apology was required. I had a 10:00 a.m. phone call scheduled with the head of a company whose products we use. She set it up so that she could tell me about an enhancement her company was offering. 10:00 a.m. came and went. No call. She phoned in at 10:17 and began with,  “Hi Denise, Shelly Smith here. I apologize for calling later than we'd planned. I'd like to go over with you what I had talked about in my note, but because of the time, we've only got about 10 minutes. If this time slot still works for you, I'd like to give you the highlights. How's that for you, or would another time work better?”

When you find yourself tempted to say, "I'm sorry," take a moment and ask yourself if an apology is what the situation calls for and consider whether another statement, such as one of those above, might be more effective.

---

(C) 2009 Denise Brouillette, San Francisco, CA. All Rights Reserved.

Denise Brouillette is the president of The Innovative Edge LLC and The Women's Edge in Leading.